Famous quotes by Comedians

Comedians

Explore the sharp wit and everyday wisdom of comedians, whose craft turns observation into laughter and reflection. These voices span eras, styles, and stages, revealing how humor can challenge norms, lighten heavy moments, and connect us through shared experience. From quick one-liners to thoughtful storytelling, their words capture both the absurdity and tenderness of being human. Whether you're seeking a chuckle, a spark of perspective, or a reminder to not take life too seriously, let these comedic insights offer a fresh, spirited companion to your day.

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls"

George Carlin, Comedian

George Carlin

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it"

Bob Hope, Comedian

Bob Hope

"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too"

Mitch Hedberg, Comedian

Mitch Hedberg

"The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have"

Ring Lardner, Comedian

Ring Lardner

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull"

W. C. Fields, Comedian

W. C. Fields

"Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be"

Joan Rivers, Comedian

Joan Rivers

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps"

Emo Philips, Comedian

Emo Philips

"I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability"

Ron White, Comedian

Ron White

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member"

Groucho Marx, Comedian

Groucho Marx

"I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order"

Eric Morecambe, Comedian

Eric Morecambe

"If I ever completely lost my nervousness, I would be frightened half to death"

Paul Lynde, Comedian

Paul Lynde

"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it"

Groucho Marx, Comedian

Groucho Marx

"Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream"

W. C. Fields, Comedian

W. C. Fields

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food"

W. C. Fields, Comedian

W. C. Fields

"When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano"

Bob Hope, Comedian

Bob Hope

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time"

Robin Williams, Comedian

Robin Williams

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age"

Groucho Marx, Comedian

Groucho Marx

"Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

Bill Cosby

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die"

Mel Brooks, Comedian

Mel Brooks

"The past actually happened, but history is only what someone wrote down"

A. Whitney Brown, Comedian

A. Whitney Brown

"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you"

Steven Wright, Comedian

Steven Wright

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect"

Steven Wright, Comedian

Steven Wright

"I like my coffee like I like my women: in a plastic cup"

Eddie Izzard, Comedian

Eddie Izzard

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it"

Robin Williams, Comedian

Robin Williams

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice"

Bill Cosby, Comedian

Bill Cosby

"The more things you do, the more you can do"

Lucille Ball, Comedian

Lucille Ball

"If women ran the world, we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days"

Robin Williams, Comedian

Robin Williams

"Never trust a man, who, when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on"

Billy Connolly, Comedian

Billy Connolly

"Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell, no!"

John Belushi, Comedian

John Belushi

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things"

George Carlin, Comedian

George Carlin

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